On The Record with Alaris

I read an interview a while back - an enigmatic blogger interviewing a renowned blogger, both whom I follow with great interest. It was wonderful to read - you learn more about the interviewer and the interviewee through the questions and answers. I mentioned to both how much I enjoyed their repartee, and the interviewer asked how I would feel about an interview.

I had never really considered it. Of course, us bloggers typically have disproportionately huge egos - it appeals to our vanity to be interviewed. It makes us easy bait for any arch-enemy. I could see Bugs Bunny tripping up Yosemite Sam with a pen and pad of paper in hand while wearing a suit jacket and spectacles asking about his recipe for rabbit fricassee. Except I haven't the dashing handlebar mustache of Yosemite Sam and I'm assuming Alaris doesn't have Bugs' conspicuously long... ears (what body part did you think I was going to say?) I just couldn't turn down the opportunity!

I loved his questions for their insight and wit - it was a fun experience. For the interview, please visit Alaris's blog at Alaris's Space. I enjoy his writing - I'm sure you will too.

Guilt, Expectations, and Deserving Honesty

Guilt is a funny thing. I feel no guilt with DL because there is no expressed and agreed to commitment. With H, he was absent enough for it to feel acceptable so I felt no guilt because I was given a certain length of 'coping' (with which I could have easily hung myself).  Let's not quibble over moral right and wrong, but that's how I saw it.

But now I am a little confused. I see H's sacrifices a little more clearly. He changes his lifestyle to be more physically present and more emotionally and financially supportive. Sure, I sacrifice too, he doesn't question that, in fact he does all he can to assist, but  he bears his sacrifice in silence. We have each other for support., but he tries to be as strong as he possibly can without complaint, and that is a wonderful thing. And this is what brings in a twinge of guilt.

He goes above and beyond my expectations. He is a perfect mate. He endures hardship to ensure my comfort. He wasn't always this way. He has grown into our relationship and is far more caring and nurturing than he ever was before. All he asks in return is to be a good mate in return, and for him, this includes unequivocal  monogamy. Doesn't a person who expresses such trusting  and honest affection deserve to have their relationship expectations met? Hard question to answer, especially when I don't feel any differently about wanting a to have the odd naughty night out.

So what's a girl to do? Thankfully I don't feel the urge to do anything naughty at the moment. I have some time to mull this over. My libido tends to wake up in the spring when I'm coming out of hibernation, so these are the timelines I'm anticipating. 

How potent must lust be to dissolve guilt? It's sad that I know there is an answer to this question, because it means I know that I can always succumb if all the elements fall into the right place.

Reflections on 2011

I have a tradition of really thinking of thankfulness and blessings every year, and since I've started this blog I've posted that list. Some items are the same, some have changed. After all, one year is a long time in which we can grow and change. So to continue with my tradition...

Happy New Year y'all.
________________________________________



I am grateful for working on my own terms.

I am grateful for having the power to choose the path of my career.

I am grateful for past coworkers and will never forget the value they add to my life.

I am grateful for my successes and failures.

I am grateful for being financially stable.

I am grateful for our warm and comforting home and having plenty of people to fill it.

I am grateful for a full fridge and stocked larder.

I am grateful for the his and hers cars in our driveway.


I am grateful for my faith.

I am grateful for my good health and reliable medical care.

I am grateful for my strength.

I am grateful for my freedom.

I am grateful for the ability to exercise my rights.

I am grateful for my education, affording me my analytical and rational mind.

I am grateful for all the challenges I have had in my life.

I am grateful for having such wonderful, supportive, and loving parents.

I am grateful for having a sister who keeps me on the straight and narrow, or at least tries to.

I am grateful for those partners found by and who complete my loved ones.

I am grateful for having the chance to know my grandparents and listen to all their wisdom and learn something of my ancestry.

I am grateful for growing up Guyanese.

I am grateful for my large, rambunctious, quick-witted and humourous family.

I am grateful for cousins who are more like brothers and sisters.


I am grateful for my mother who has gone above and beyond helping me this year.

I am grateful for friendship.

I am grateful for fellow bloggers who test my boundaries.

I am grateful for the extra special blog-friends who will continue to be friends regardless of the blog.

I am grateful for having my boys who don't treat me like a girl.

I am grateful for having my girls who never judge me.

I am grateful for the circle of friends who are more like family.

I am grateful for love.

 I am grateful for the greatest blessing in my future or my past; my daughter.

I am grateful for my marriage.

I am grateful for a husband who is the best partner he can be.

I am grateful for my stepdaughter and goddaughter and the honest affection in their eyes.

I am grateful for experiencing joy and love beyond words to the point where it draws tears from your eyes.

I am grateful for having someone love me so completely they are willing to let me go.

I am grateful for orgasms.

I am grateful for my love of writing, which leads me to my pride in my novels and my poetry.

I am grateful for my imagination.

I am grateful for orgasms.

I am grateful for knowing when to stop.

I am grateful for life.


Blessings:

I ask God to bless those I love.

My Daughter

My Parents

My Sister

My Husband

My Step-Daughter

My Goddaughter

Her Godfather

My Sister's New Boyfriend

My Brother in Law

My Sister in Law

My Husband's Parents

My Grandmother

His Grandfather

Our Late Grandparents

My dear Cousins (including the Crew)

His Cousins

My Aunts and Uncles

His Aunts and Uncles

My Friends (both in real life and here, in this wonderful world of blogging)

My Co-Workers (and his)

My Pundit

All who are in poor health, may you recover
All who have recently lost a loved one, may your sorrow be managed through the love of family
All who are in dire straits, may your burdens be lightened by future successes
All who have suffered, may you pains be removed
All who need assistance, may you receive help
All who are closeminded, may your eyes be opened
All who are in dispair, may you have the devine ispiration of hope

Ongoing Adultery?

Who's feeling naughty?

I've been reveling in the dirty doings of my blogger friends. Those in 'the business', those in 'the lifestyle' and those who are just having really great sex.

I'm at a crossroads at the moment. I love H with all my heart. He's a great man who deserves fidelity. I'm glad I had what I did with DL, but I'd rather end it on my terms than on his. Of course, I'm saying this before I have the chance to see him face to face, and we all know how far my intentions go when we finally meet up after some time. Just put me beside a window and out they go.

I'm still interested in some playtime fun. I never considered DL 'playtime fun'. So where does this leave me? This leaves me with maybe a few trusted playmates whom I can call on to explore some interesting extra curricular activities.

I want to have my head on straight before I make any decisions. I like that I don't regret any of my decisions when it comes to my sex life. I want it to stay that way. So it will take some time to figure out how I want to handle this.

How do I continue playing around while being good to my husband?

Do I want fidelity? Will I be able to face H if I continue to play? Will I really feel he deserves fidelity from me?

As much as I love DL, do I really care about putting any effort into reigniting anything physical between us?

Which decision will make me happy? Which is the most fulfilling outcome?


...do any of you have some weight to throw in on this decision?

Wintry Daze and Christmas Lists

There was snow outside this morning.

It draped the windows and frosted the rooftops. It was the kind of snow that isn't too heavy that a bundled up walk outside wounds delightful. I would love to go to the malls to see the decorations and get some Christmas shopping done.

I'm still on my path to recovery, so shopping on my own isn't really an option. But I have to get some shopping done this year.

I've never considered dropping DL from my Christmas list until this very moment. I told him about my recent medical events, part of which he knew, but he had no idea as to the dates and timing of it all. I told him by text message and he responded in kind. But we haven't seen each other since May. That's a long time. Would he make the effort to spend some alone time with me? Would he even consider me worthwhile enough to put on his Christmas list? I don't insist upon reciprocation, but there is the notion that I'm a priority. Am I? I am not that presumptuous. He's dropped in my list of priorities, as I'm sure I have for him. Then again, there is the spot in my heart he has, and I have in his. Is that enough to try and schedule a precarious meeting or inconspicuous purchases that we'll both have to hide from our significant others.

I'm not melancholy, I'm loving myself and my family at the moment - and that's what I intended from the get go, when I made the decision that DL and I would have to hold off on our physical relationship. I wish I was fully recovered so I wasn't so dependent on people, so that I could go out and enjoy my Christmas shopping and take a brisk walk down the city streets. I'm progressing, but I've never been the patient kind.

When told of my progress, DL sent "congrats..."

Does he send that message in his own melancholy? Does he send it with hope that we will resume our relationship? Does it put me in his mind when he's out Christmas shopping?

Still Here!

In the past short while I was away for medical reasons, but not to worry! I'm recovering and will return soon enough with...uh... more posts about how little sex I'm having.

Hope you are all well, and you Yankees are enjoying yourselves some turkey!

Shoulda Known Better

"I'll call you soon," he says. "We'll talk next week," he says.

Goddamnmutherfucker.